Welcome to 
The Abyss
The AbyssImagine a shadowy, imposing corporate tower known as “The Abyss,” agile teams toil under the watchful eyes of an unhinged (pointy-haired) manager. The manager enforces a nightmarish regime of performance metrics, where the line between work and torture blurs. Continuous improvement be damned.
Twisted Metrics of Agile Team Performance
The “performance metrics” are twisted, severed from the very goals that guide the organization’s destiny. Vague and inscrutable, they sow confusion and discord among the hapless team members. Manipulation festers like a foul curse, their numbers twisted to meet dark objectives, while whispers of challenges and improvements remain forbidden. These measures, akin to ancient curses, fixate on individual souls, tearing asunder the bonds of collaboration and shared responsibility. They shackle progress, bewitching minds with short-term illusions, and birthing a suffocating culture of compliance.
Ancient Curses
- Individual Productivity Metrics: Within the shadows of the office, an ominous metric emerges—individual productivity. It breeds a sinister competition that tears teams apart, replacing collaboration with cutthroat compliance.
- Lines of Code Written: In the depths of the coding abyss, a malevolent metric demands more lines of code, spawning a grotesque bloat of code and suffocating simplicity. Quality falls to darkness, eclipsed by the insatiable hunger for quantity.
- Meeting Attendance: At every haunting gathering, a ghostly measure emerges—meeting attendance. Empty chairs, empty souls, as the specter of compliance lingers, drowning meaningful contributions in a sea of empty participation.
- Feature Count: A relentless count echoes through the corridors, measuring not the value, but the sheer number of features. Quantity reigns supreme, as the pursuit of compliance crushes the delicate scales of quality.
- Deadline Adherence: A relentless force compels teams to bow before the altar of fixed deadlines. Rushed and compromised, they sacrifice value on the cold, unforgiving altar of compliance.
- Hours Worked / Vacations Cancelled: The clock ticks mercilessly, measuring hours worked, and canceling vacations in its path. The well-being of the damned is forsaken, as the relentless pursuit of compliance consumes their souls.
- Velocity: A sinister whisper in the night, velocity beckons teams to inflate their estimations, forsaking value for the sake of compliance. It lures them into the abyss, leaving behind a trail of shattered quality and long-term despair.
- Bureaucratic Compliance: The chains of bureaucracy tighten, choking the life from agile teams. Adaptability and value crumble before the relentless march of compliance.
- No Bad News aka Oath of Silence Metric: An oath of silence shrouds the truth in darkness. Teams, bound by fear, are silenced, their voices stifled in the name of compliance.
- Stack Ranking: A wicked ritual unfolds, ranking teams against each other. Collaboration withers as competition takes root, consuming the agile spirit in a nightmarish dance.
- Sacrifice Metrics: Under the malevolent moon, a ghastly metric demands sacrifice. The slowest among them, the lowest-performing, are offered as tokens to appease the merciless gods of compliance.
- Fear-O-Meter: The Fear-O-Meter, a grotesque creation, thrives on terror. Those who maintain the highest levels of fear are rewarded, as compliance enforces absolute submission.
- Customer Deception Metrics: A sinister deception unfolds, measuring teams by their mastery of manipulation. Customers are ensnared in webs of deceit, as compliance demands their acceptance of subpar offerings.
- Mind Control Metrics: Minds are shackled by malevolence, microchips implanted, thoughts confined to compliance. Electric shocks await those who dare to deviate from the sinister agenda.
The organization stands on the precipice, its ability to adapt and thrive ensnared in a nightmarish abyss.
Can the tormented teams escape this harrowing nightmare and rediscover the true essence of agility, or will they be forever ensnared in this dark, twisted world of perverse performance metrics?
Elusive Beacons of Hope
Within the darkness of the Agile domain, good measures emerge as elusive beacons of hope. They possess the power to grasp the very essence of performance, resonating with the ancient goals and values of the organization. Behold, they are actionable, revealing secrets that guide the way towards improvement. These measures, like lanterns in the night, cast a welcoming light, illuminating the path for all stakeholders. They defy manipulation and deceit, demanding a true reckoning with genuine progress and the sacred delivery of value. In the end, they summon forth a culture of relentless improvement, enabling teams to thrive amidst the ever-shifting shadows.
What prey tell are (some of) these lanterns in the night?
Embrace good performance metrics as your guiding stars on your agile journey. They’re not just numbers; they’re the compass, the fuel, and the inspiration that will lead you to continuous improvement and success:
- Flow Efficiency: Imagine a river flowing effortlessly towards its destination. Flow Efficiency measures how smoothly your team’s work moves from inception to completion. By identifying bottlenecks and process improvements, you pave the way for a streamlined journey.
- Cycle Time: Picture a clock’s hands gracefully moving forward. Cycle Time, a part of Flow Efficiency, shows you how swiftly individual tasks are accomplished. It reveals where you can tweak your process to bring about even smoother progress.
- Throughput: Think of a conveyor belt (ok, bad metaphor, too management 1.0… but you get the idea), steadily churning out valuable work. Throughput counts the stories, features, epics, and releases produced in a given time, unveiling your team’s productivity and capacity. It’s a measure of your team’s amazing output. (Yeah, we’ll get to outcomes in a moment… hold your horses)
- Work Item Age: Imagine sorting through a treasure chest; some gems have been waiting longer than others. Work Item Age keeps an eye on the age of items in your backlog. By addressing aging items, you ensure that nothing is forgotten in the depths.
- WIP (Work in Progress) Limits: Envision a balanced act, where your team juggles just the right amount of tasks. WIP Limits make sure that your team doesn’t overload. This helps maintain focus and quality, like a skilled performer maintaining their balance.
- Quality Practices: Picture a vigilant guardian, ensuring that your creations are flawless. Quality Practices measure the effectiveness of your testing and quality assurance efforts. It guarantees that your work is not just fast but also impeccable.
- Experiments: Visualize your team as intrepid explorers, charting unknown territories. Experiment metrics reflect your team’s spirit of innovation and learning. It’s your shield against the unknown, reducing risk and guiding you toward mastery.
- Continuous Improvement: Imagine a staircase, each step representing a step towards perfection. Continuous Improvement examines your dedication to agile principles, ensuring that you’re always striving to be better. It’s your compass on the journey of growth. (Ok, mixing metaphors again… sorry)
- Team Morale: Picture a hearth, where your team finds warmth and support. Assessing Team Morale is like checking the health of your team’s hearth. It provides insights into their well-being, fostering an environment where performance can thrive.
- Business Value Delivered: Think of your team as artists, crafting value for the business. Business Value Delivered quantifies the impact of your creations on the organization’s goals. It’s the ultimate measure of your team’s value. These are the outcomes that matter.
Which Performance Metrics Path Will You Choose?
Which Performance Metrics Path Will You Choose?As you navigate the labyrinth of Agile team performance, remember that the path you choose can shape your team’s destiny. Embrace the metrics that foster collaboration, quality, and continuous improvement, for they are the torchbearers of success. Let the spirit of innovation and shared goals guide your way, and shun the darkness of compliance and competition. The choice is yours—will you lead your team toward a future of agility, growth, and fulfillment?
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Happy Halloween, y’all!
